1. |
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I think that I should do something once in a while to scare the shit right out of me. So I'll close my eyes and sit tight in this trunk and see where your nightmare takes us. That's a start, is it not? My middle name may as well be "mundane". Sure, I'm resourceful, but not when it counts. Count me out. If I'm not asleep in the backseat, then I'm silently mouthing the words. I don't know how to speak. My gravest apologies for wasting any time... Whenever I open my mouth, train wrecks come out. I can sense a mistake from miles away, yet I make them. Still, I make them.
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2. |
You Terrify Me
03:10
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The first time that I saw you, I pretended not to. And you could not decide whether or not you wanted to keep your glasses on or off. And I looked, and I froze, because your eyes were the most devastating shade of brown that I had ever seen, and when we met, they did not reflect any new light back at me. Your silhouette stays to haunt me. It floats in my door even when my door's closed. We first me inside our dreams before the two of us had ever even spoke. The first time that I saw you, I pretended not to. If expectations existed, I have let you down. (We have enough time to get this right.) Whether or not you received it, your eyes sucked every single secret out of me.
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3. |
Avenues
01:42
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You tell me stories and I squirm in the passenger seat. Big city traffic still makes me nervous, but I'm working on it. You flick your wrist and I grow quiet as I try to keep a smile inside, because to ruin is to show your teeth. And I don't want to ruin anything. Red and white ribbons wrap around me as I leave. I smile, secret, when you're not looking and that will be enough. I count bouquets and kill on the side of the street. I hope to hell you find some kind of friend in me. Black sky above and concrete, firm beneath my feet. It's always enough.
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4. |
Soft Ground
03:11
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I like to pretend that I could protect you from the darkness that I'm falling into. We can ignore this, can't we? I want to sing old songs. Ones once relevant, and always "on", until the silence seeps in and my breath becomes pure carbon. If you can taste it, then it's too late. I will forge urgency, consistently, if it would drag you to my door. I adore you. So there, I said it. What more could you ask of me tonight? We can ignore this, can't we?
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5. |
The Only One Who Laughs
04:04
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I shave my legs now every day. I'll never miss that spot on my kneecap again, okay? It was much to easy to let go of; you can only give so much of yourself until you're gone completely. The only thing I ever wanted out of my life was someone who would risk theirs, just to show me that they care, and oh god, you do, every day, and I know can't deserve you. If I did, don't you think things would be different and I would not be sleeping beside and with myself? I would not be spitting in the eyes of everyone else who tries to get closer, or gain some closure. I am stuck. He has filled holes in my heart. My cheeks hurt when I am with you. The pain is pristine. And I have shown you around my hometown, under stars and drunk off drinks. Waking up inside the backseat on a hot September morning. It makes no difference if you're warned and do not heed the warning. And I trust you trust enough to know I won't let you drown. And I trust you trust enough to know I won't let you down. Is this what falling in love again feels like?
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6. |
Chronologically Speaking
02:24
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I bite the shit out of my lip whenever I get nervous. Still, no surprise it only takes one sip to bleed my lungs, the blood, the blood, the blood, that kiss, the blood, the blood, the blood. And I won't apologize to you, or anyone, for how we loved. And I know that I'm affected, fatedly unexpected. If you don't like it, then leave the room. If you can't stand it, then leave the room. Chronologically speaking, since I met you, you've been the beat my heart's been tapping to. And I can promise that I won't flinch, but I'll cringe. And I won't apologize to her, or him, or him for how I like you. And I know I'm misdirected and but an abrupt interjection. If you don't like it, then leave the room. If you can't stand it then leave the room. (You never let me get a goddamned word in regarding how broken I've been. You never let me get a goddamned word in.) If I have made your stomach sick, keep it close, and hold onto it. You'll never feel this fucked again.
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7. |
Can't Take The Heat
02:21
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"Wait until the heat breaks", she said to me. All I heard was "hearts break". I only hear what I want. If it was last year and Mike was here, we'd be swimming, and I'd be vomiting inside my mouth. The summer's heat brings back everything I wish that I could leave behind me. It didn't hit me till we hit Punxsutawney. The sear, the sing, it never stops. And I don't want to fight anymore, okay? I'm a whore like you were.
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8. |
Tacoma, First
02:58
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At least you observed that I hold onto every word, and I've said this from the start. But no one pays attention 'til it hits home, and it hits hard, and I've said this from the start. (I'm testing the limits of making bad decisions. I know that I'll be okay if I can rid you of my mind). Since when am I afraid to fly? If I were to write you right now, I fear I'd regret it. I'd say something like, "nice to know you, I think you're just fine and sometimes I want to call you late at night". The things you think at 30,000 feet when you're knocked out of your seat into the aisle on your knees. The things you don't say when you wake up next to your best friend, covered in their own vomit. How did I get on this flight? When did I leave myself behind? We're all just looking for ways of more discrete communication. Are you sick of hearing me sing about the places that I've been? I'm making myself sick with the things that I've been thinking, puking on my shoes in the pacific northwest. (I don't pay attention 'til it gets cold and I grow dark). Puking on my shoes in the pacific northwest. Deep dreams of June, and whatever comes next. At least you observed that I hold onto every word, and I've said this from the start. But I don't pay attention 'til it hits home and it hits hard, and I've said this from the start, puking on my shoes in the pacific northwest.
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9. |
Twin Beds
04:44
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Playing dead, lying on the edge of my mattress. Don't breathe out or in. Oh god, don't open up your eyes. When you do, you'll realize that this is *not* a dream. This is everything. This is me. I'm lying through the space between my toes. I still wince when we wake, despite us waking in our clothes. And I made my bed up nice, I'm still not sure why you and I destroy it every time. And I'm still not sure. "I am honored to break your heart." There are books that I have read, solely because you've written notes in them. I want to be weightless. I want to "jump twice". I want to dance to The Cure all night. I am honored to break your heart.
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10. |
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It's time you let me kiss that whisper on your lip that only I would notice. And I'm really going to leave. I have to, I don't want to. It's not like I can call you whenever I need to. And it's finally sinking in, but it's cool, I hope we can stay friends. At least you've got me singing again. I've watched you hold your own hand, and I've wished that it was mine on our train rides. I can't be happy all the time. Now all I do is frighten you. I count my steps and hold my breath whenever I walk home alone. Wrap me up in rain and lightning. I guess it struck you that I'm not striking. I lie and lie and lie and try to smile, 'cause you still make me smile. You and I are the selfish kind. Now I'm off to the edge of the earth. You and I are the selfish kind, but it's not like I can call you whenever I want to.
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The New & Very Welcome Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
only bad boys try to eat their sisters arms.
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